I told myself once this began that I needed a journal. I needed to be able to look back on all of this and say WOW, look at what we overcame in that time.
So I'm sharing my personal journal entries. Which is SO vulnerable of me. But being vulnerable has more positives than negatives (quote unquote - TCANCANS). So here we go.
March 18th 2020
It's been 1 1/2 weeks since my diagnosis. Most days are OK. I still don't have an appt at Juravinski for staging and treatment which stresses me out. I got laid off Monday due to
COVID. I've just been grumpy, irritable and totally unfair to Trav & Ty. It's hard to stay positive when you wake up everyday and the first thought in your head is "Oh. Right. I have cancer." It's the shittiest way to start the day, but it's hard not to. BUT. I will not let this define me. One day I will wake up and say "Oh. Right! I HAD cancer!" Right now the uncertainty and unknown has my stress and anxiety levels at an all time high. It's not fair - I just want/need more info. I know I'm not in this alone and that I have a huge support system but I just hate that the worry about me is now burdening so many other people. I'm going to be fine and beat this and be cured and carry on with 'normal' like. But I worry about what life looks like once the baby arrives. What life looks like for Travis. How will he work, support me and take care of TWO kids if I'm in treatments or recovery? Again, the unknown is killing me! I just wish so bad this had been discovered years ago. I hate feeling like a terrible mother and wife because I can't control my irritability and temper. I know Travis is worried about me and I just give him shit. It's not fair. I just need to be somewhere that I can be angry and sad and scream about how unfair this all is. The word cancer sits so heavily on my chest and gives me too powerful of a feeling when it crosses my mind. Which is far too often. Being stuck in the house with nowhere to go isn't helping. I don't want this to be looked at "too late". I don't want to get missed or set aside.
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