well if you don't follow me on social media you've certainly been left hanging. the last almost year I haven't written anything in terms of updates on life here. so here's a look at the last 11 months.
june 17th 2020. pathology results day. by this day, I had gotten my catheter out thank GOD and could finally walk normally again. i also had my staples removed which wasn't as painful as i was hyping it up to be in my head (i honestly don't think i'll complain about pain again after experiencing a large organ and surrounding areas being removed from my body.... unless it's a toe stub. those friggin HURT). since i'd had about 3 weeks of healing the drive to Sunnybrook wasn't anywhere near as painful as the drive home was (didn't have nice fresh wounds stitched and stapled together inside my body). my parents were watching Cayden and picking Tyler up from school... I don't even remember what time my appointment was anymore... I think it was around 3pm.
headed into the Odette Cancer Centre on my own again... it was a busy place this time. it also was the first time i was there where i didn't get the obligatory saddened stares because of my pregnant belly since it was no longer there. this wait was filled with anxiety. my mind of course was racing at what news i was going to be given... and of course was assuming the worst because that's what anxiety does to you. with it being covid times i was also convinced i was receiving bad news because if it was good news i was sure they would've just called me and given me the results over the phone. i think it was about an hour before i finally got called into a room. got changed into my lovely hospital gown again. as i sat there waiting i could hear her on the phone with a patient telling them their pathology results came back clear and looked great. my heart sank a bit. why was i here if there was good news then? surely she would've just called me... i didn't know what i was waiting to hear at this point.
when Dr. Kupets made it into my room i'm fairly certain my heart was no longer beating at this point. i also think i didn't breathe for a couple of minutes. she was her usual self (because i was trying to read her body language and tone of voice for the news i was awaiting) and pretty much got right to it. telling me that things looked good from the pathology report but she had wanted me to talk to another doctor today and that's what took so long because she was waiting for him to be ready. she went on to tell me that i tested positive for lymphovascular invasion - which means that the cancer was present in the blood vessels of my tumour. she started talking more about this radiation doctor but i couldn't hear what she was saying because my mind was a blur.
i stopped her - "wait, so hold on, do i still have cancer?"
No, you don't have cancer. we got it all and the margins were really great and clear, the lymph nodes were all negative too but because the cancer was found in the blood vessels of the tumour we had to discuss you at our tumour board meeting (i was becoming a hot topic at this meetings). half of the doctors felt that because of my age and my otherwise healthy status, combined with the margins from the surgery that no further action was needed (Dr. Kupets was included in that half of the doctors). the other half felt that preventative radiation would be beneficial. cue the radiation doctor. honestly i don't remember his name but by this time i had called trav to tell him all of this and i wanted him on the phone because i can't think straight during these conversations. the radiation doctor came in and explained that basically being positive for lymphovascular invasion meant that there COULD potentially be a 15% chance of recurrence. they wanted to do radiation to MAYBE lower that chance at MAX in half. so doing radiation - 25 rounds of radiation, in st. catharines so i didn't have to travel far, 5 days a week for 5 weeks, 1 hour total at hospital each time - would MAYBE lower my chance of recurrence to 7.5% BUT, it also might not lower it at all. i asked if this would effect my ovaries that i still had, he said i could get them transposed away from radiation area (oh cool, ANOTHER ABDOMINAL SURGERY?!) i also asked if it would effect breastfeeding my son - no it wouldn't effect that (which i still question the validity of this... if i chose to not transpose my ovaries, they would be fried, i would be sent into menopause at 31 years old and it would 100% effect breastfeeding because, HORMONES) also the physicaly effects of radiation would absolutely effect my breastfeeding journey with Cayden. thank GOD travis was on the phone... he was my voice of reason. he said to Dr. Kupets that the potential benefit of doing the radiation was so marginal right? she agreed that yes, the potential benefits and what you're going to have to deal with in terms of side effects doesn't add much value. the radiation doctor of course still felt that further treatment would be beneficial but, of course, that's what he is a doctor in.
i told him that we would think about it and get back to him. he wanted me to start within 2 weeks if i was going to do the radiation.
by the time i got into the car, i had basically made my mind up but travis solidified it... the more he spoke to me about the benefits/risks and i thought about it combined with what Dr. Kupets had said, I knew i wasn't going to go this route right now. I had been through so much, I wanted to enjoy the first year of my son's life and not put more physical toll on my body.
we didn't call my parents on the way home and instead made them sweat (not to be cruel but because it's news you want to share in person) so when we got home and said hi to the boys and such i finally said 'so how anxious are you right now' to which i got 'it's killing us what did they say!' so we shared the great news with the 'BUT' attached however the 'BUT' seemed miniscule at this point and we really just celebrated that i was officially, cancer free.
that was my last appointment with Dr. Kupets as i switched my care back to Juravinski and Dr. Reade so i didn't have to travel so far for follow up appointments. I had to go every 4 months due to the lymphovascular invasion. my first appointment was in September and for this one Travis drove me and hung out with Cayden in the car (I think this also marked one of the last times Cayden decided to take a bottle, luckily, because boy was it a long wait).
all came back clear from this appointment. i was told that there wasn't a need for any PET or MRI scans since if anything was to be of concern, i would either know from pain in my pelvic area or they would be able to see something during my internal exam.
my january appointment got moved up to december because one day a surgical clip came out of me randomly (because WHY NOT). honestly it's not surprising. my body rejects metal. i got my belly button pierced when i was 16 (much to my mother's dismay, sorry mom! but i got payback for doing this) and when I was 18 my body succesfully pushed my belly ring out of my body - literally the skin over top of it disintegrated until the ring fell out. my body was also pushing the staples holding my incision together out before i got them removed, which is also likely why it didn't hurt so much to remove them. but anyway, all was also great at my december appointment and we chalked it up to my body saying no to foreign objects but there was no further concern.
just a couple weeks ago i had what would be considered my one year appointment, even though it was about a month early. she felt my neck, belly and groin for any swollen lymph nodes (to which there were none) did an internal exam which everything looked great AND i got a pap smear! i said oh wow i'm still going to get those? 'yep, every year for the rest of your life'. and guess what? as i've said many times before. it DOES NOT hurt. it is maybe ever so slightly uncomfortable for 30 seconds and that's it. that's IT.
the best part of this appointment was that i was told i don't have to come back for another SIX MONTHS now! i've graduated from the 4 month check ups to 6!
so please, if you're due for a pap, if you're overdue for a pap, especially if you've ever had an abnormal result of any sort on your pap, just go get it done. if you don't have a doctor, there are public health units, sexual health clinics and community health centers that you can get them done at. JUST GO. i still strongly believe they should be covered by OHIP yearly but hey, i guess if you have cancer, they will cover them every year for life. so don't go that route if you don't have to :).
and here we are. almost one year to the day that i first shared this blog with all of my friends, family and the world i'm closing out a year of sharing this.
i don't know if i'll continue to write updates in here. maybe i will after checkup appointments or yearly updates - it was a therapeutic outlet for me in tough times so if i find that i need this outlet i will utilize it.
for now, thank you for all of your support. thank you for reading along, for providing encouraging words, texts, messages, meals, cards - all of it. this last year and a half have been tough. i never thought we'd still be in this pandemic life at my son's first birthday but alas, here we are. i would do another year of pandemic life if it still meant i came out healthy after that year though. (but i'll also take no more pandemic life and continued health instead!)
thank you mostly to my most wonderful husband. he's had to be the rock through all of this and some days were extraordinarily tough. i never would've gotten through this without him. you are the best husband, and the best daddy to our two boys who love you more than anything else. thank you always, i love you so much.