Friday March 6th 2020.
A day forever ingrained in my brain. I was off that day with Ty. We were heading to my friends house for breakfast with her and her little one. This was the first day I told someone other than Travis kind of what had been going on. But I said to her, it's probably nothing I'm sure it's fine. I'm keeping positive thoughts and it's all going to be great!
We were heading home from her place around 11:30am. I was stopping at Tim Hortons to grab a coffee and something for Tyler to eat for lunch. As I was collecting my items, my doctor started calling. I knew I had to answer this call - what if this was about my colposcopy? I answered as I was pulling away from the window.
"Hello?"
"Hi Colleen! It's Dr. D" "Hi! How are you?" "I'm alright, where abouts are you right now?"
"I'm just in the car driving home right now..." "Are you with anyone?"
"Just my son"
"Ok did you want to call me back when you get home so you aren't occupied or I can call you back in a bit?"
"Ummmm I'm assuming that means you don't have great news for me"
"No... I don't"
"I'd rather you just tell me now it's fine you're on bluetooth I will freak out the whole drive home if I have to call you back." "Ok, I got your results from the colposcopy from Dr. B. She actually was on the tarmac about to leave on vacation and wanted to make sure you got them. So the biopsy report came back and it tested positive for squamous cell carcinoma."
"So does mean I have cancer?"
"Yes you do."
We talked about how she was sending a referral out to Juravinski Hospital to meet with a gyneoncologist there and go over treatment plans.
That's about all I remember. The rest was a blur. I finished the conversation in my driveway with Tyler now asleep in the backseat.
I have cancer. What? But I'm pregnant. I'm THIRTY. My grandfather had cancer but he was in his 70s. I'm 30.
I called Travis.
"Are you at a site right now?"
"Yeah but what's up?"
"Nothing just call me when you've got a minute" "Babe, it's fine, what's going on just tell me"
"Dr. D called. She had my colposcopy results. I have cancer."
Needless to say he rushed himself home pretty quickly (even after me encouraging him not to because you know, it was fine). We hugged. We cried. I had no other information other than I have cervical cancer. Was my baby going to be ok? Was I going to be ok? What was going to happen?! We had to wait until my appointment at Juravinski.
I had to call my parents. People had to know now. This was real, this was happening. I couldn't keep this to myself any longer.
The reason I didn't share any of this with anyone has a lot to do with who I am - or rather who I was. I kept a lot of things private in my life - I didn't want to share my burdens with others because I didn't want people feeling bad for me. I didn't want their worry for me to wear their minds and days down, that was silly. I didn't want people to pity me. I was going to be FINE. We were going to get through this.
Having to tell your parents you have cancer at the age of 30 is something I don't wish on ANYONE. I texted my mom around dinner time asking if they were out for supper (it was a Friday and I knew they typically ended their work week off at the Keg). They were, but what's up? Nothing, just give me a call when you get home I don't want to bug you while you're out. The thing is, Mom's aren't stupid. Duh. She knew something was up so she outright called me. I pleaded with her to just call me back when they got home because I didn't want to talk to them while they were at a restaurant. That wasn't an option. So I told her.
"I have cervical cancer" through a blubbering mess of tears. I heard a large gasp (although I'm positive no matter the shock she absolutely did NOT spill even one drop of her lemon drop martini) "What stage" "I don't know, my doctor just told me today I'm waiting for an appointment at Juravinski" I went on to fill her in a bit of the happenings since November while insisting they didn't need to come down (because duh, I didn't want to disrupt/ruin their weekend because of my issues). She said she would talk to Dad and they would decide if they were coming down that night or the next morning. A couple minutes later she called back and said they were paying their bill, heading home to grab some stuff and heading our way.
Don't ever underestimate the power of a hug. Or the power of a child's smile and laughter. When my parents arrived that night Tyler made them smile bigger than I think they thought was possible given what they had just been told, and the hugs that were exchanged when they got there were exactly what was needed in that moment.
The next week was a daily update of my parents letting me know which of my brothers and sister in laws they had told (I wanted them to do it because I couldn't bring myself to tell my brothers their little sister had cancer and knew I would be a sobbing mess). Every time they told me someone knew I cried, hard. Not that it's ever felt fake but it makes it more real when other people know. Also in that week, was when this foreign 'coronavirus' started to really make itself known in Canada. Each day at work that week we were getting emails and phone calls from clients and couples wanting to know if something about this virus could be put into their contract, if they could postpone this or that because of this etc. Then it was confirmed that a doctor at Juravinski Hospital tested positive and had been at work. OH GREAT.
Now we waited. Waited for a phone call to get an appointment to figure out our next steps.
