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  • Writer's picturecsauneyy

The (not so) calm before the storm

Updated: May 4, 2020

January 2nd 2020. The day that started it all. Happy New Year, right? It was my first day back at work (WHY does everything happen when I'm on my way to or at work?!) in two weeks. Getting into the car that morning my doctor called. Wow, it's early what's this about? She was calling to tell me that my HPV results came back as positive. But I got the vaccine! Yes, but the vaccine doesn't cover ALL strains of HPV - so I had a strain that wasn't covered in the vaccine :(. Okay well over 80% of people in North America will have HPV at some point in their lives so no big deal right? Ok. This is scary but what's next? I had to have a colposcopy booked (FUN FACT: I couldn't properly say this word for like 2 months) which is where they spray a 'solution' on your cervix (it's legitimately Heinz Vinegar) that shows any abnormalities when an OBGYN looks through a microscope at it. Okay, doctor was sending referral off for that. No big deal, I'll get it done it'll be totally fine.


January 10th 2020. Ultrasound to check in on the babies. I had been so nervous leading up to this ultrasound. I was so worried they were going to tell me there was only one baby. At work, we were preparing for a month of 5 wedding shows between 3 weekends and after the ultrasound I was of course heading back to work to pack up my car and go setup a booth at a show in Oakville.

This ultrasound tech was much more friendly. She was chatty and smiling. Eased my nerves a bit. She started the scan and after a short bit asked when I was told I was having twins. I told her at 6 and 8 weeks, why, is there only one there? She said it might just be hiding and continued to look around. She kept things friendly and didn't give anything away with her face but commented on how the baby she was looking at was very active and looked great! After a while she clicked out of things and said "I'll be right back". Hmm. This was odd. My heart was racing. Why didn't she mentioned anything about the other baby? It's gone isn't it. But where did she go??

She returned. She sat down. She said "I have some news" and held my hand. I said, "there's only one isn't there?" She closed her eyes and nodded yes. I cried. She was so sweet. She grabbed me kleenex and squeezed my hand. "Can I call someone? Is your partner or mom nearby they could come get you? Can I call you an uber to take you home? I don't know if you should drive yourself sweetheart." After a few minutes of collecting myself, she showed me the miracle on the screen and how thriving it was. I told her I was okay to drive home, it was only 5 minutes anyway. Travis was home with Tyler, I'd see them as soon as I got there.

I let the tears roll down as I drove home. When I pulled into the driveway, Travis' truck was gone so I called him. I asked him if he was close to home and when he said yes I asked if he could turn around and come back through tears. "Oh fuck." was all I remember hearing and knew he was racing home. I lost it as soon as I walked in the front door. I couldn't even take my coat or my shoes off I was crying so hard. It was only a couple minutes before Travis and Tyler were flying through the front door and he was asking what happened. My heart broke having to tell him. "There was only one baby." Poor Ty. He had NO idea what was going on and why mommy and daddy were so upset.

So yes, again, I headed into work to load my car up and head out to Oakville. It was the grossest, coldest, rainiest weekend. It fit my mood to a tee. Having to put on a smile at a wedding show after the week I had just had was no easy feat. The beginning of the new strengths I would find in myself through all of this.

What was going to happen next? Things always happen in 3's right? I knew one more was coming our way...


I also want to note here, after this point, I began maternal health counselling. This has been such a great decision - I truly believe it has helped my anxiety through this all and helped me navigate through everything with a sound mind. It's also led me to get Travis set up with a counselor (yes I've asked his permission to include this). I was getting beyond upset at the fact that everything was about me and that he had to be my rock through this all and I could talk to him or my counselor about all of this but he had no one to help him or talk to about what he was going through. Being the spouse of someone going through miscarriage, pregnancy loss, job security being up in the air, cancer diagnosis, a layoff (in a pandemic, while you're still working because you're essential), treatment plans, toddler life and prepping for a new baby - you matter JUST AS MUCH and deserve to be able to get help when needed. We're so lucky in that our counselors work within the same bubble and (with our permission) are able to connect with each other to best determine a plan for each of us individually but also together.


February 12th 2020. This would be the day myself and my two colleagues would find out our department was being restructured and our current roles essentially did not exist any longer. There were new, defined roles created (which really made more sense than what we had previously been doing) that we would be able to apply and interview for along with the external market. WOHA. What?! I'm like, 5 months pregnant and might be out of a job?! Nope there's no way - I know I'm the best candidate for my role and I will prove that. I'm not letting THIS happen with everything else going on right now. (A couple of weeks later I found out I was the successful candidate for the role I had applied for so that was one less thing on my plate luckily!)


February 25th 2020. Day of colposcopy. I had heard great things about the OBGYN performing this. When she came into the office she was definitely what I was hoping for. She was super friendly and super positive. Based on the results she had seen she had no worry with me at all - everything was super low grade/low risk, tests didn't show anything out of the ordinary. It was totally safe to do a biopsy while pregnant but she wouldn't be doing one unless she saw something crazy alarming. She'd rather just check now, check again once more in pregnancy and then do a biopsy 6 weeks after baby. Okay great, I felt good about this. Colposcopy happened, she wanted to do an internal exam just to check and after that said she wanted to check through the microscope again. Her entire demeanor changed. The friendly, bubbly doctor I was introduced to become quiet and focused. "I'm going to do a biopsy if you're okay with that" "Ummm ok yeah I guess so...". Then it was over, I was to book in for a month from then to discuss the results (March 30th) and that was it. A month? I have to wait a month to find out what the hell just happened?! I called Travis. He asked how it went. "I don't know. I'm really not sure what to take from it".

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